But What about Masturbation?

Cole Simpson and Morgan Duke serve as teaching team residents through our Residency program. For more information about the Residency, visit midtownres.com.

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Masturbation. 

Before 2016, I’d (Cole) never heard the word in a church building.  

Growing up, my experience was that we avoided the topics of masturbation and sex pretty much all together at church. As I’ve lead a LifeGroup and we walked through the Theology of Sex series as a church family, I realized exactly how unhelpful this approach is. If you haven’t read the setup article I wrote about God’s design for sex, at least give it a skim, since it sets up a good amount of what we talk about here.

In January when our church started the Theology of Sex series, I (Cole) asked my LifeGroup what they wanted to hear about during the series. One of them responded almost immediately, “Will they talk about masturbation?... churches always talk about porn and masturbation together but they’re not the same.” Another guy added, “Yeah, I know what the Bible says about pornography, but it doesn’t say much about masturbation.”

We also asked people to text in their questions during the series, and a number of them sounded like this:

• What does the bible say about masturbation?
• Is it sinful to masturbation? What if it doesn’t involve looking at pornography?
• How can God say masturbation is wrong? Isn’t it just a natural release? 
• But I really want to masturbate... ?

Until we started this series, I (Cole) didn’t realize just how many people struggle with questions about masturbation. I also wrongly assumed that most of these questions came from college males. Then I realized that a large percentage of the questions were being asked by women, from middle and high school girls, to college and adult women. Some of our female LifeGroup leaders and coaches said this was the biggest issue the ladies in their LifeGroups wanted to hear about during the series. So I asked my good friend, Morgan Duke, to co-author this blog with me. She kindly said yes. 

Side note from Morgan: Hey y'all! Being involved in several women's LifeGroups over the past few years, over half of the women I’ve walked with struggled with masturbation. So I pretty desperately want to help us move past the outdated and foolish stigma that “ladies don’t deal with that." Please stop pretending that porn is a male-only sport. Please stop pretending masturbation is foreign to females. And please, let’s all have conversations about the factual reality than any and all sins are liable to affect all of our lives. 

If You’re Lusting

In the first blog, I (Cole) talked a good bit about lust. But we want to take a moment to look at it again. Jesus explains in the sermon on the mount that lust, at a mental level, is the same categorical sin as committing adultery. He adds that it would be better to tear out your eye or cut off your hand than to lust. He’s using a hyperbole, but the point is clear: lust is a big deal.  

If you lust while you’re masturbating (and to be honest; the vast majority of us who masturbate; the vast majority of times we masturbate...it involves lust), then it’s sin. But for my LifeGroup guys, they made it clear that they didn’t want pornography, lust, and masturbation treated like synonyms. They are part of a growing pushback to the traditional assumption:

But... what if I don’t lust while I masturbate?

What if masturbation is just a physical act of relief?

What if it’s just an appetite that needs to be filled?

What if it’s unrealistic to not masturbate?

What if my doctor or my counselor or my teacher or my staff handbook at work recommends masturbation as a way to relieve stress?

All these questions represent a counterproposal to the traditional argument that masturbation pretty much always involves lust. And before we address these questions let’s reiterate a few things:

Jesus says if we are lusting while we are masturbating it is just as much a sin as adultery, murder, stealing, gossip, or any other sin.

We’d all be remiss if we don’t at least challenge some of these questions. What if our hearts are actually deceiving us? What if we’re actually just looking for ways to justify the lust behind our masturbation?

In a sex-fueled society like ours, it’s entirely possible that lust could be subtly affecting our actions more than we realize. And lustful desire for the feeling of physical orgasm could be just as sinful as lustful desire for a human being.

But the biggest problem is that even if none of these are the case, the biblical picture would still leave masturbation outside of marriage out of bounds. We’re going to group the questions into three separate categories:

1. What if I can masturbate without lusting?
2. What if it’s just a natural appetite?
3. What if it’s unrealistic to go without masturbation? What if I just can’t wait?

What if I can masturbate without lusting?

We’ve heard lots of people argue that if you can masturbate without lusting, then that makes masturbation acceptable. Unfortunately, that’s not a very thoroughly biblical thought process.
First off, Paul says that we as Christians are not to be mastered by anything. What he means is that anything addictive to a Christian is a detriment to our spiritual vitality and health. And herein lies the problem. With or without lust or porn, masturbation is still addictive. On a biological level this can’t be avoided. Every single time you orgasm your brain releases a cocktail of chemicals that are highly addictive (some scientists have even compared orgasm to the addictive nature of drugs like cocaine and heroin). So whether or not you are lusting after an individual or an image in your mind, orgasm is always addictive to something. 
The question just becomes, what are we addicting ourselves to?             

So if we completely gave you the benefit of the doubt and conceded that you’d mastered a technique of masturbating without lust, the question would still remain: what is that act of masturbation and orgasm addicting you to? Yourself? Pleasure in isolation? No matter how you spin it, solitary and self-enacted orgasm falls short of its God-given intention (binding you to your spouse). No matter how we try to justify it, masturbation ends up fortifying our consumeristic individualism. And that leads us right into our next question: 

What if it’s just a natural appetite?

The debate of what type of sex act is permissible is not a new debate. The people who lived in first century Corinth had a similar thought process. Some of them believed they could have sex with prostitutes because sex is an appetite just like hunger. Paul addresses this mindset by explaining that sex is far more than a mere physical appetite. This is why a victim of sexual assault doesn’t feel clean after a shower. And this is the cornerstone of why masturbation is off limits outside of marriage. Masturbation, whether lust is involved or not is always a sex act. And God’s design is for all sex and all sexual expression to exist within a covenant marriage. 

God’s design for sex and orgasm is to addict you to your spouse. 

God’s design for sex is to create a deeper more intimate connection with your spouse.

God’s design for orgasm is to renew the vows you made with your spouse.

If what’s happening in the bedroom isn’t accomplishing spousal intimacy then we’re missing God’s blueprint for sex’s divine purpose. When we try to say that sex is just an appetite or that orgasm is just biological we are trashing God’s incredible design for sex. In my first article, I (Cole) argued “Any orgasm outside of marriage fails to live up to its amazing design.” This is always true no matter how the orgasm is achieved.  

But what if it’s just a natural process and release? Well, the truth is, God has provided a natural process for male release to occur through nocturnal emission so masturbation is not necessary. And female bodies don’t experience the same physical build-up or need for release that male bodies do.

But honestly, here’s the biggest issue. Part of Jesus dying on the cross was to release us from our natural appetites. If our faith is in Jesus, then we are no longer owned by our urges. The cross sets us free from our old selves and the desires of the flesh. Through His Spirit, God gives us the power and the self-control to fight any and all selfish and sinful craving. Paul even says that being controlled by your appetites is a characteristic of people that are not a part of God’s kingdom. Sex is a natural desire, but it’s also more than that and at the same time Jesus frees us from needing it.

What if it’s unrealistic to not masturbate? What if I just can’t wait?

What if the reality is that in a sex-fueled culture like ours, masturbation is the best option I’ve got? If I’m trying not to have sex with my significant other until we get married, isn’t masturbation the least harmful alternative?

We’ve heard these questions and many more like them from people in and around our church family. And they are real questions worth addressing, but they’re not actually compelling reasons to give in to masturbation’s temptation. Here are four specific reasons and four tools to help you fight this fight:

1. Trading one sin for another is an inept way to be set free from sin. The temptation to trade sinful activity with your boyfriend or girlfriend (or with someone outside of your marriage) for a “less harmful” sexual act seems tempting, but it leaves us caught in sin’s snares. This is a religious game that completely misses the freedom Jesus offers us.
2. Jesus is a better treasure than physical pleasure. The Psalmist tells us that in God’s right hand are pleasures forevermore. Jesus tells us that if we really understood how much good life His kingdom has to offer us, we would gladly sell everything we have to get it. Masturbation is a bad trade for Jesus. His relief, His comfort, His satisfaction is such that no orgasm could ever compare. 
3. God doesn’t promise us that the waiting is temporary. The problem with the question, “But what if I can’t wait?” is that it assumes marriage is Jesus’ plan for your life. But He never promises this. Telling yourself that masturbation is just a temporary solution that marriage will solve is both short-sighted and assumptive.
4. Jesus gives us strength when we don’t have it. If you’re discouraged or running out of hope, I pray that these beautiful and powerful words written by the Apostle Peter will encourage you:

“His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desires.” 

God’s divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness. Now equipped with God’s gospel promises, we can escape the corruption in the world. It’s a promise. We don’t have to conform to what’s normal or logical in the world. We are free to put our sin to death. 
Through the gospel, Isaiah’s prophetic encouragement is fulfilled:

For those who trust in the Lord, He will renew our strength.

We will mount up on wings like eagles.

We will run and not grow weary. 

We will walk and not grow faint.

The gospel says even unrealistic, hard to imagine possibilities become possible through Jesus’ life, death, resurrection and the new life and new Spirit He gives us by grace.

Okay, but even if I completely agree with everything you’ve said, now what? 

Maybe you’re now convinced that self-stimulated orgasm is a sin. Maybe not yet. Either way, It’s important that we continue to ask ourselves “why?”. For me (Morgan), one of the most powerful insights into the issue of masturbation was the "why" question. I once heard someone describe masturbation as a control issue, “I will choose to orgasm when I choose to, whether another human is involved or not.” Suddenly the act of masturbation became linked with a deeper heart issue and it became much, much easier to confront with truth. 

What is your why? 

How are you using masturbation to obtain something lacking in your life? 

What do you believe God is withholding from you?

We have to daily reject the easy answer that “masturbation is the most morally/socially acceptable outlet for my sexual desire” and instead dig deeper...Why? What am I after? What am using masturbation to achieve (release, comfort, satisfaction, control, happiness, sleep, etc.)? Why? Tap into that inner 3-year-old and keep asking “why” until you grow intimately acquainted with the motives behind your struggle.

Then, invite in Jesus. 

Invite in community. 

Fight to remove the stigma of the word “masturbation” and have open conversations about the struggle. Anything that sits in the dark festers and rots. So whether you view this particular sin struggle as a big deal or a small one, talk about it. Bring it into the light. It’s not enough to be in community, you have to be honest. You have to trust Jesus to enable you to be vulnerable. If we are 99% known and 1% unknown then we are still unknown. And Jesus won’t rest until we are fully known; fully alive and free in the light. Push against the voices of guilt and shame.

If you are in Jesus, you are perfectly clean.

If you are in Jesus, you are completely known.

If you are in Jesus, you are already entirely accepted.

So you have nothing to fear. 

And nothing to lose. 

Only growth, holiness, freedom and healing to gain. 

So let’s become the kind of people who understand our hearts, our motives and who daily learn to fight our sin and seek after Jesus together. Let’s be honest and hopeful. Let’s be prayerful and practical. And let’s not settle for anything less than God’s beautiful and perfect design for every aspect of our sexuality.

Does God Really Say I Can't Be With Other Guys? (Pt. 2)

For anyone just joining us, this is my second post about homosexuality and the Church. The first post can be found here (If you haven’t read it, pause for 2 minutes and go check it out… but seriously, go. I’ll still be here. Promise.). In that post, I focused on some of the biggest pushbacks and questions that I have had about God’s design for my sexuality. After wrestling with whether or not the church is actually a safe place for years, this post will focus more on questions about what it looks like to have a church that welcomes and loves members of the LGBT community.

For full disclosure, as I mentioned in the first post, I am a man who is attracted to members of the same sex, and at the same time, I am a member of a church, Midtown Fellowship, that faithfully holds to the biblical view of God’s design for gender and sexuality. I hope that this post will show what it looks like to walk in that seeming contradiction.

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How Can I, As A Gay Man, Trust Christians?

I remember sitting in a pew one Sunday while I was growing up and thinking to myself, “If these are God’s people, I don’t want anything to do with God.” On another occasion, I remember seeing an anti-Pride protest and thinking, “Why are these people so hateful?”

Then in college, I found myself sitting in my room with my head buried in my hands agonizing, “If God only cares about my sin… If He has no interest in my well being whatsoever... Then how can I trust Him at all?”

I have spent years wrestling with this question.

Agonizing over its potential answers.

Begging God to help me.

Help me understand.

Help me make sense of my desires.

But as I have wrestled with this question, I have realized it was based on a faulty assumption. I was assuming that the actions of “God’s people”, the church, were an accurate reflection of God’s character; that God approved of and condoned the actions of every individual who ever claimed to act in His name.

The first problem with this idea baffled me when I first encountered it. Simply claiming to be a believer does not actually mean that someone is a follower of Christ.  Many of the people spewing the most hate-filled messages about homosexuality are, in fact, not Christians. I was convicting God for actions taken by people who had twisted Scripture to fit into their hate-filled agenda. These weren’t people interested in God, these were people using God as a means to an end.

They weren’t Christians.

They were self-righteous bigots.

Which left me with the question, what about the people who really are Christians and are still causing pain.

There were times when the Christians I knew were ignorant or insensitive.

There were times when they had no interest in being helpful.

There were times when they seemed disgusted by me.

There were times when the only way I could interpret their actions was as hateful.

And that’s what I thought it meant to be a Christian, but the more time I spent in God’s word, the more He began to show me what it really meant to be a Christian. Being a Christian does not mean knowing the right answers and displaying moral superiority about your ability to avoid certain sins.

Being a Christian means admitting my sinfulness and proclaiming my need for a savior. It means I stop trying to earn my way back to God. It means I run to God for the forgiveness and grace I can never earn. And because of that, in everything, I am called to trust in the love of Christ, and Christ alone, not the love of anything else. Not the love of a romantic interest. Not the love of my parents or family. And not even the love of God’s people, the church.

The Bible makes it clear that all humans, including Christians, despite their best intentions, are still sinners that will continue to let each other down. So pointing out that Christians are sinners who fail to love and fail to treat people fairly and perfectly isn’t actually a reason to not trust Jesus. It’s one more piece of evidence that Christians, like the rest of us need a Savior.

But What About Christian Hypocrites?

To be honest, the Church, historically, has failed miserably to minister well to those who question their gender or sexuality. Preachers have stood in their pulpits and relentlessly called out people who struggle with same-sex attraction, but have looked the other way when congregants commit heterosexual adultery, show unrepentant greed, or struggle with any number of other sins (pride, drunkenness, and lying come to mind).

As a result, myself and other members of the LGBT community have felt unfairly singled out, ridiculed, and unwelcomed by the Church. My heart breaks with that of those whom the Church has spurned and ostracized.

Growing up in a fairly conservative Southern church, I too know the utter exhaustion that comes from feeling as if you have to hide the truth because your sins are unspeakable, and it seemed like that was the only possibility.

But it’s not.

The biblical call on believers in Jesus is to create a community that is radically welcoming to everyone, including members of the LGBT community. The Bible calls the Church to be a family that sees each other’s sins, and loves each other regardless. To be a group of people that rally around one another when life is difficult. To be a people who celebrate the wins together and also that walks through the mess of life together.

And as crazy as it sounds, I’ve seen it.

There are members of my church family who know me, know my story, know the depths of my sin, and have welcomed me into their lives and loved me unconditionally.

I have struggled with the fear of loneliness that comes with lifelong celibacy, and my church family has absolutely fought alongside me. I have been invited to crash my friends’ dates. I have been invited to live with other people in our church family. And not just other single people. I have been invited into the homes of our married friends to live with them. To be a part of their family. To help raise their kids.

I have been invited on family vacations. Not only with young married people. I’ve been invited into family traditions that involved meeting my friend’s older parents and siblings and their spouses. I have been invited to share holidays with people. To share birthdays. To share random Wednesday afternoons. To come and gather with them during the times of the year that often tempt me to feel the most lonely.

I have been welcomed as a volunteer in the Church. I not only serve in the church office each week, but I serve with our Kids & Families team. Because I’ll be honest, I think kids are some of the most fun people to be around in the world. And because my church family isn’t afraid of me. They don’t think I’m a monster who needs to be kept separate from the next generation. I serve alongside all of our other members in helping to raise the kids in our church family, both on Sundays and everyday of the week. There is no position in our church which is off limits to an individual with same sex attraction who is earnestly repenting and pushing into Jesus.

I have been blessed to be a part of group confession, where every person in the group was openly and honestly chasing after Jesus and reminding everyone else in the group of the gospel. I didn’t feel like people wanted to find me out or catch me. I haven’t felt that my sins were any different than the sins of other people in the group.

And if we are being real, it’s not just me. Our church family has routinely welcomed members of the LGBT community. Into their families, into their homes, and into their lives. I am invited to join into our church wide culture of repentance. To come alongside my brothers and sisters, my friends, and my pastors as we all learn to trust more and more in the love of Jesus.

Can I Pursue Him and Jesus?

At the end of the day, the question that remains is, “Can I pursue a romantic, sexual relationship with another man and still be a Christian?”

More than anything else, I want the answer to be yes.

Some nights I lay awake begging God for the answer to be yes…

Because any other answer feels crushing.

I lay there staring at the ceiling and questioning...how can I go on if the answer is no?

But, as much as it pains me, the answer is no.

Being a Christian means laying down my personal desires and submitting to Jesus and his Word. Being a Christian means living in light of Christ’s teaching. Being a Christian means knowing that I’ll never do any of this perfectly, but Jesus has already perfectly laid down His desires to love and serve me. Even if I claim faith in Christ verbally, James reminds me that true faith in Christ is accompanied by a heart level desire to pursue holiness. This means that as a Christian, I am called to subjugate all of my desires to the teaching of Scripture. This includes my desire to be with other guys.

To be clear, this call is not unique to those who question the Bible’s sexual ethic, but it does include us.

Where Then Is My Hope?

The cross of Jesus is the hope for all of us.

For those of us who struggle with their sexuality and those who don’t.

Hebrews 4:15 describes Christ saying, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” As strange as it might sound, there is no temptation and no underlying belief that Jesus was not also tempted with. 

When I find myself daydreaming about a romantic relationship with the cute guy I pass on Main Street because that would surely fix my loneliness, Jesus was tempted with the same belief.

When it feels like all I need to be happy is the friendship and approval of another man, I can trust that Jesus felt that, too.

When I long for the security from an emotional connection with another man, I can trust that Jesus was tempted to believe that that same desire would satisfy him.

Christ understands even my day to day trials.

I can run to him with my exhaustion, my frustrations, and my desires, because he understands me and wants good for me. My struggles will not evaporate overnight and the road ahead of me will not be easy, but as a faithful Christian, I am called to run to the cross of Jesus and faithfully submit to the authority of Scripture, even when it feels like death.

So when I do fail to live by God’s design for my sexuality, the good news of the Gospel is that Christ came and took on the punishment for our sins, all of our sins without exception, and I can still approach his throne in confidence because of grace.

Through all of this, I’m praying for Jesus to give me strength in the times when my desires seem overwhelming.

I’m praying others who struggle with same sex attraction would see the perfect love available to them through Christ.

I’m praying for other churches to see the beautiful design the Bible describes for what kind of hospitable and loving people we are called to be.

I’m praying that Christians who are ignorant, insensitive, or even hateful would repent and trust Jesus instead of their own righteousness.

And I’m praying that each of us, same sex attracted or not, would daily push more and more into the good news of the Gospel.

Does God Really Say I Can't Be With Other Guys?

This post was written by a member of our church family who experiences same-sex attraction and would like to remain anonymous for the protection of him and his family.

As a Christian man who struggles with same-sex attraction, this question is the most difficult question I’ve wrestled with in my faith. Even now, I find myself asking it almost daily. I’m publishing this post anonymously because this is not a past-tense discussion. Bluntly, I am not yet ready to talk about my same-sex attraction in public; for example, I am still praying about the most loving way to tell my parents because I’m not sure what their response will be. In the midst of this tension, I am continually pressing into what the Gospel says about my sexuality and learning to trust God’s design more and more each day.

The first part of this post covers some of the biggest questions I wrestle with. They are the smaller questions that all add up to the big one. They are questions I find myself asking God directly. They influence my day to day actions. The second part of the post will also deal with questions I wrestle with, but questions that impact the entire LGBT community, not just my personal walk. 

Before we dive in, I need to be honest with you. When I first asked each of these questions, I wished desperately for God to answer them in an affirming manner. I resisted anytime an answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear. 
          These are not questions that I think are easily answered.
          These are not questions that are easily asked.

However, as I have wrestled with these questions, God has faithfully pursued me and convinced me (over and over) to trust in his design for my sexuality. This change is painfully slow at points... at most points. But it is my hope and prayer that this post will give you a glimpse into my struggle and how God keeps changing my heart. In doing so I hope to accomplish two things: 

• Provide encouragement for those who experience any degree of same sex attraction.
• Give insight to those looking to love those in the LGBT community well.

Does it matter who I’m chasing after?

One of the most tempting lies for me to believe is that God doesn’t care who I flirt with. I want to run to Biblical passages about how to handle topics with some room for interpretation (e.g. Romans 14 or 1 Corinthians 10:23 – 11:1). I want to tell myself, “Whether or not I live according to God’s design for sexuality is a question of conscience, so I am free to do what I want.” But as I have dug into God’s word, He keeps making clear to me that His plan for my sexuality is not a question of conscience. The Bible clearly establishes and repeatedly reaffirms God’s sexual ethic. Ultimately, God showed me that asking this question requires incredible hubris, because the question I am really asking is “Does God know what is best, or do I?“ When I honestly consider this new question, I realize that as the creator, God knows what is good for me and the world better than I do.

But the Bible is just an old book reflecting the culture of it’s day, right?

This is the question I hear friends wrestling with more often than any other. After all, the Bible was written in a backwards and oppressive culture, right? The problem is the more I looked into scripture, the more I realized this question didn’t adequately address the facts. When introducing the list of forbidden sexual relationships in Leviticus, God tells Moses, “You shall not do as they do in the land of Egypt…and you shall not do as they do in the land of Canaan.” God begins his explanation of his sexual ethic by explaining that it flies in the face of the cultural sexual expectations of the time. Similarly, it would be redundant of Paul to reiterate God’s sexual ethic in his letters if his readers weren’t feeling a personal temptation to do what he encourages them to avoid. As a result, the more I’ve studied, the more I’ve become convinced that God’s sexual ethic has always been countercultural.

Eventually, I came to see that there was something quite different at work in this question. When I found myself arguing that our society has a superior sexual ethic than earlier cultures, I realized this thought was based on the assumption that our culture is superior in general compared to previous cultures (otherwise why would I think our thinking about sex is any better than theirs?). The problem with that is, I don’t actually have any logical way to defend that statement. Anything that I use to argue that our culture is better creates a circular argument that begs the question. I can’t honestly or logically argue this way without privileging our culture’s way of thinking above the thinking of previous peoples.

How can I be satisfied if I’m not with him?

As someone well indoctrinated by American and Western culture, this is by far the hardest question for me. In the depths of my soul, I’m tempted to believe that the solution to my anxieties and insecurities is the approval that would come from a relationship with another man. I want to believe that God doesn’t understand the strength of my desires, so once I explain my situation to God, he will have to cut me some slack. But the more I’ve thought through this idea, the more God has confronted me on it. We see in Genesis 1:26 that the purpose of man is so much larger than fulfilling sexual desires. We are designed for more than chasing our animalistic desires. We are designed to be in communion with God and to reflect God’s image to all of creation. Our desire to be fulfilled comes from a deep longing in us to live this out, and our dissatisfaction with life ultimately stems from our broken relationship with God. A brilliant Scottish writer, Bruce Marshall, once remarked, "The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God." He’s right. 

And my brothel just happens to be the dream of being in a relationship with a man. 
Even if I were to get with my dream guy (in any capacity), I might get some brief contentment, but it will never lead to the lasting satisfaction I really want.  

What do we do if God is right about this?

So far, I’ve focused on ways that God has worked in me and confronted my sinful nature, but this is only half the battle. In the next post, I’m going to turn from asking questions about personal interactions with God’s design for sexuality and focus on the implications of this discussion not just for myself but for the church as a whole. 

In the meantime, I’m praying for each of you. I know that this has been incredibly hard for me and that it is going to be hard for you as well. So, I’m praying that Jesus will be our strength and our hope when we can’t do it on our own.

Parenting in a Broken World

One of the questions that have come up repeatedly during the Theology of Sex series relates to how do we parent our kids in light of our culture’s views on sex, gender, marriage and romance. One parent specifically talked about interaction with public schools as the worldview of the public schools continue to change in line with our general cultural views. Most of the questions have been hinting at the difficult balance between preparing our kids to interact with the world and protecting our kids from the pain and brokenness of the world?

We’ve found the following article, “Why the City is a Wonderful Place to Raise Children” contains some very helpful perspective on these topics. Kathy Keller is married to Dr. Timothy Keller (pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC). She certainly doesn’t attempt to answer all the specific questions you might have and doesn’t specifically address issues of gender and sexuality, but her gospel-centered parenting perspective gives us some helpful framework as we have these conversations in our LifeGroups. We hope you’ll enjoy this article as a resource as you pray and talk through questions of parenting and living in the midst of a sinful culture.

Sure, Sex is Meant for a Covenant. But What About ______?

Cole Simpson serves as a teaching team resident through our Residency program. For more information about the Residency, visit midtownres.com.

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I grew up in the south. I grew up in church whenever the doors were open. And by the time I got to high school, proms and dating; pretty much all I knew was I wasn’t supposed to have sex. I certainly didn’t know why that was the rule. I just knew it was the rule. In fact, one of the most important rules. And in this moralistic environment, I frequently found myself asking, “How far is too far?” 

The problem is that’s pretty much the opposite of what Paul says to do:

Flee.

Run. 

Get your heart as far from sexual sin as possible.

Reminds me of when I was a kid. My brother and I got into fights. Frequently.  Sometimes we aggravated her so much, Mom would tell us, “Stop touching each other!!” So of course, my little brother’s response was to “not touch” me. Instead, he would antagonize me by getting as close as physically possible. If I asked him to stop, my brother would calmly reply, “I AM NOT TOUCHING YOU!”

This is an unfortunately accurate description of my high school view of sex. I could justify everything by saying “I AM NOT TOUCHING IT.” I am not having sex. No matter what I happened to be doing with a girl, I could always tell myself that I wasn’t doing it. So it was ok.

Fleeing is the opposite of that. 

Fleeing isn’t getting as close to sexual immorality as we can.

It’s running from it. 

Wherever we are tempted to move towards it; we stop, turn and run. This is why Paul in another letter tells us not to have a hint of sexual immorality. My thought process was backwards. God’s design for all sexual expression to exist inside a marriage covenant is wise and gracious. It’s a good design. 

Like the good dad that He is, He warns us that sex used outside of it’s intended purpose can cause harm to us and everyone involved. So of course His command is flee.

Ok...but doesn’t that make God’s view of sex restrictive? 

Is that even realistic in the 21st century? Why does God care so much? Doesn’t God want me to be happy? 

I asked all these questions and hundreds of others, because I was confused. When I was told I couldn’t have sex until marriage, my assumption was that God and His rules were dumb. I knew better than He did.

I heard sex is supposed to be satisfying. So then the idea of waiting until marriage seemed pointless and harmful. God must have been some kind of mean tyrant who made this rule just because He could. 

But overtime I considered other questions:

• Why might a loving God have given this design and these restrictions for sex? 
• What if there were real reasons why I should trust God? 
• What if God is smarter than I am?

And the answer I slowly came to see is that God understands that sex is actually a really big deal.

Not the biggest deal ever. Not the only big deal. 

But a big deal nonetheless.

Despite what we’ve been told, sex is much more than just physical pleasure. We know this even when we don’t want to admit it. I remember talking to a friend about her boyfriend and she told me “I know it is a good thing because it’s not just physical! It has actually brought us closer together.” 

Her point was that sex was relational, emotional and even spiritual. The Bible describes this aspect of sex as becoming “one flesh”. Flesh doesn’t just mean body here. It’s the whole person. Their heart, their mind, their body and their soul. So the Bible is saying that sex is a physical picture of what’s happening at every level; two persons becoming one. 

God designed sex to physically, emotionally, and spiritually bind us to our spouse.

Over the years it’s been interesting to see more and more research explaining how this happens at a physiological level. The brain literally starts to addict itself to whoever we have sex with. God designed orgasm to connect two people at deep levels. And not just anyone or everyone, but one someone who’s not going anywhere because we’ve committed to addict ourselves to them for the rest of our lives.

After wrestling with this for years, I realized that God wasn’t trying to hinder my pleasure. He was trying to maximize it. God designed sex for marriage because it’s unhelpful to form these deep, complex bonds with multiple people. There’s even research that indicates over time, having sex with multiple people negatively affects our ability to form these bonds. 

Sex is an incredible bonding agent meant for you and your spouse. And no one else.

Because any sexual activity that doesn’t bind us to our spouse is powerless to accomplish what God actually intends for it to do.

Any orgasm outside of marriage fails to live up to its amazing design.

God’s view of sex isn’t restrictive. Our modern Western view of sex is restrictive. It restricts us from experiencing all that sex can be. It restricts from enjoying all that sex has to offer.

Ok...but what counts as sexual sin? 

As I grew to understand God’s design and command to flee sexual immorality, I still found myself asking “but what exactly is sexual immorality?” A little study and I found out that the Greek word translated into the English phrase “sexual immorality” is porneia. It’s the same word we get pornography from. It means any sex act outside of marriage. So then I asked, “Well what exactly is a sex act?” 

Let’s say I didn’t exactly love the answer I found. 

Especially not when I found it coming out of Jesus’ mouth. On the sermon on the mount, Jesus describes lust in the mind as being equivalent to committing adultery. I knew adultery counted as a sex act. I didn’t really want to accept that lust counted as a sex act. Then Jesus says it would be better to tear out your eye than to continue using your eyes for the sex act of sinful lust.

Like it or not, it was clear that Jesus thought this was a big deal.

Lust, no matter where it happens, whether it occurs in your mind or your heart or your hands is porneia. And anything else that we would put on a spectrum between lust of the mind and cheating on your spouse counts too.

• So if you are making out and you lust... porneia. 
• Fantasizing about that girl in the coffee shop… porneia.
• Daydreaming about that guy you work with… porneia.
• Steamy romance novels... porneia.
• Picking a movie because of its sex scenes... porneia.
• “What if we just use our hands?”... porneia.
• “What if our clothes stay on?”... porneia.
• “What if we didn’t plan on this happening?”... porneia. 
• “But we’re going to get married so it’s okay, right?”... porneia.  
• 1 out of every 8 internet searches... porneia.

Jesus undermined all my attempts at justification. The games I liked to play. He cut through all the noise and cut to the core of my heart motivations. Lust is too far. If it was sexual sin in my mind, I had already crossed a line. 

Ok...but what about porn? 

It doesn’t hurt anyone after all, right? This question is very personal to me.   Around the age of seven I started watching porn and it became a regular part of my life.

I was seven.

However, even as a child I understood that porn was something I wasn’t supposed to be looking at. I was always very secretive. In fact, there was one instance where our laptop froze while I was looking at porn. I was so panicked about getting in trouble that I poured water all over it. 

I destroyed the laptop rather than have anyone find out what I was doing.  

I have had countless conversations with myself and others where I have asked “what’s the big deal?” It’s not like watching porn affects anyone other than me. 

Well first off, we know Jesus says if we lust when we watch porn then it is a sex act; it’s porneia.  

But there’s something else here too. When we watch porn we are taking human beings with souls that God made and loves and adores. And we turn them into objects that exist for our pleasure. As I’ve thought about porn in light of the gospel, I’ve become more and more heartbroken about it.

As a brother who has a younger sister that I love dearly... As a friend of some amazing ladies that I respect greatly... As a boyfriend of a beautiful woman that I really care about... It tears me apart that I have objectified women in this way. And it isn’t like that objectification stops at the screen, it sinks into all aspects of our life. Over time, I started to see almost everyone as objects and nothing more. 

And I don’t even have time to talk about the unbelievable damage and destruction that happens to the sex workers in the porn industry.

But it’s not that porn just hurts other people. Paul is clear that it hurts us, too. For me, and everyone I’ve talked to, porn is never just a lust problem.

It is an intimacy problem.  

It is easier for us to go to a screen for instant gratification than it is to recognize that we are sinners in need of true  connection. We long to be known and loved. Porn tells us we are desired by gorgeous women and/or men but the truth is the feeling doesn’t last. 

Only in Christ have I found any lasting satisfaction.

Only in Christ can we be fully known and fully loved.

What about masturbation? 

Sometimes guys will ask me “but what about masturbation?”. The reality is that this is a growing question that many people have in our church and in our culture. It’s seen as the best, least harmful alternative if I’m trying not to have sex outside of marriage.

I tried to type up a short answer to this question and I realized it needs a more full answer so I’m going to write a follow up blog post on that question specifically: “Why is masturbation a sin?” For now let's wrap up here:

Grace

At many points in my life, if I had read this article, I would have been crushed. I would have found myself thinking, “I understand God’s good design. I understand His calling on me to flee from sexual immorality. I don’t even disagree with Him. 

But I can’t do it. 

It feels impossible. 

Especially when I consider that God’s call is to perfect obedience.”

The good news is God knows we will never be perfect. And He still loves us anyway. The good news is He knew how deep my porn addiction would go. He knew how many women I would turn into objects of lust. He knew how much I would resist and reject Him.

And instead of rejecting me, He loved me so much that He sent Jesus to rescue me. He knew I would never uphold this standard so He sent someone who could. This is the unbelievable grace of the gospel. I’m loved despite my brokenness.

Now don’t hear me wrong: I’m not saying sin isn’t a big deal.

It’s a huge deal.

So big a deal that Jesus died and took that sin upon himself. And until I really understood this incredibly gracious love of God for me, I never tasted real freedom. God’s unconditional love for me is what gives me hope when I fail. Hope that empowers me to fight my sexual sin; not to minimize it. 

I hope this blog has been helpful and clarifying about what sexual sin is and why it matters. But more than anything else, please hear me tell you this:

God looks at you and said “I know every way you will fail, I know exactly how impossible it is for you to perfectly flee from sexual sin.

And I love you. 

And I want you. 

And I sent Jesus to die for you.”

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25)